Making Parents Part of the Gay Wedding Day

 Making Parents Part of the Gay Wedding Day
    Our new Civil Behavior advice column will be written by Steven Petrow, the author of “Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners” (Workman, 2011) and the “The Essential Book of Gay Manners & Etiquette” (HarperCollins; 1995). Mr. Petrow will answer questions about issues of particular interest to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people, as well their straight friends, co-workers and family members. The situations will be geared to a boomer-aged audience. This first column involves a wedding of gay men, the role of their parents and the question of who should have the first dance — the Moms and sons or Dads and sons. Mr. Petrow has written or edited more than a dozen books and covered the H.I.V./AIDS epidemic for more than 25 years. He started his career at The Wall Street Journal and has since held editorial positions at Life magazine, HotWired, Time Inc., Everyday Health and The Times’ Same Sex Marriage Topic page. He lives in Chapel Hill, N.C. —MICHAEL WINERIP

 Q. My partner and I, both in our 30s, are planning to get married next year in a fairly traditional church ceremony. We have two logistical concerns. First, would it be awkward to have my mother and father walk me down the aisle if his are not doing the same for him? I’m very close to my parents, while his mother and father have only begrudgingly accepted our relationship — but we don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. Our second question, do sons ask fathers to dance the first dance with them? I’m just not sure how that would sit with our family guests, most of whom are the older generation. Your thoughts?

A. I love both these ideas for making your parents part of this important day. And I want to point out that neither of your questions is purely logistical. Such key decisions about your wedding ceremony and the celebrations that follow are quite symbolic, both for you and for other same-sex couples looking for inspiration while retrofitting traditional wedding customs.

That image of your parents taking that walk down the aisle with you is powerful and moving, especially because there are so many others, including your partner, who still don’t have that kind of visible support and love because of the sex of the person they love.

Now to the nitty gritty: There is no requirement for parents to behave as matched sets (as much as it’s fun to take a straight tradition like walking down the aisle and make it more balanced between the partners). But you must let your in-laws-to-be know your parents will be escorting you and look for a way that they can participate in an equally prominent way. Possibilities include their hosting the rehearsal dinner (perhaps it is easier for them to express themselves by picking up the check) or making one of the first toasts at the reception (even if it is as simple as, “To a long and healthy life together").

Here are two suggestions for arranging the actual promenade. 1: Your partne